Dysfunctional? Me?

Sometimes I feel like I look OK, and other times, not so much. Now, as I age, I look in the mirror and wonder what the hell is going on with me. I don’t know how to wear makeup. I probably need an aesthetistician or whateverthefuck you call those people… I don’t look like a lot of women my age. Then again, I don’t look like many women of any age, since I have a weird sense of style, and tend to dress rather mannish… baggy cargo pants and long-sleeved, button-collar shirts with plaid print on them… nike running shoes.. black dakine backpack on my back, and a computer bag hanging from my shoulder. That’s how best to describe me on an average day at LCC. Oh, and then sometimes I wear my glasses. Um, yeah. Hot stuff? Hardly.

A part of me wonders if the reason I’ve been single so long has to do with the fact that I might come across as weird, dysfunctional, or both weird and dysfunctional. I had a long conversation with my brother in law today, in which I talked about the fact that my biological clock is running out, and by the time I graduate, it might be highly improbable for me to consider having a child. Of course, without the addition of a husband (me being boyfriendless and all) that would also complicate matters. And then, there’s the question of whether or not I even want to have kids– but that will be addressed in another post at some point when I have a lull in my homework / exam schedule.

I honestly don’t even know that I want a relationship. I’ve been without one so long, and am so used to living life on my own terms, that the addition of another person seems improbable. If I were to hook up with someone, I think the most time I could commit would be one date a week. Of course, there’d better be sex if that was the case… and then what kind of relationship would that be? Hmmm. Perhaps ideal? (Yeah. I’m a lot like a guy, I suppose).

The last guy I hooked up with, (six years ago) was way too young and stupid, and a compulsive liar, so… Fuck that guy. (I call him stupid since he was unable to perpetuate his incredibly nonsensical lies). Glad (but still ashamed) to say it only lasted two weeks.

Thankfully, the 23 year-old guy didn’t show up for class yesterday, and so far has not tried to ask me out or text / call me this week. Hallelujah.

Oh yeah… and I have a Biology exam tomorrow, so wish me luck even though I don’t deserve it since I haven’t been studying for it as much as I should due to my contempt for the class and the way it’s being taught. Totally my problem. I need to get over that piddly shit and just study. So, I’ll end this now.

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