Anxiety #3: Hopefulness:
Yes, this is a blog, and some people get downright personal on theirs, but I admittedly leave things out. I am not that public of a person. Let’s just say something huge happened to me recently. Something I can’t write about yet (or perhaps ever), but it’s a pretty big deal. I was incredibly happy and content. I felt an inner peace and stability I hadn’t felt in long time. But, whenever I have hope, too much of it, I start to worry. I can only control myself in this life. I cannot control other people and other events. I get scared when I don’t have control. Scared to hope for things. It stems from watching people I love slip away from me, I suppose. I learned at an early age that all the hope and love and praying and begging in the world gets you nothing. And it hurt so bad… I fear hoping for things out of my control. I can do the school thing with hard work and determination. Even though I am not 100% in control there, it’s mostly up to me. But in this particular scenario, I’m only 50% in control. I’m all-in, but that still only makes 50%. Although it scares the shit out of me, I still am 100% hopeful on this one. Because, it would mean a lot to me. The most anything’s meant to me in a very long time. Perhaps since I was a kid… back when I still hoped for things on a regular basis.

(See, I told you I was dysfunctional).

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2 Responses to Hopefulness

  1. scrivener says:

    “Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best thing. And no good thing ever dies.”


    (don’t click that if you haven’t seen the shawshank redemption)
    (and if you haven’t seen the shawshank redemption, WHO ARE YOU?!)

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