Anxiety #3: Hopefulness:
Yes, this is a blog, and some people get downright personal on theirs, but I admittedly leave things out. I am not that public of a person. Let’s just say something huge happened to me recently. Something I can’t write about yet (or perhaps ever), but it’s a pretty big deal. I was incredibly happy and content. I felt an inner peace and stability I hadn’t felt in long time. But, whenever I have hope, too much of it, I start to worry. I can only control myself in this life. I cannot control other people and other events. I get scared when I don’t have control. Scared to hope for things. It stems from watching people I love slip away from me, I suppose. I learned at an early age that all the hope and love and praying and begging in the world gets you nothing. And it hurt so bad… I fear hoping for things out of my control. I can do the school thing with hard work and determination. Even though I am not 100% in control there, it’s mostly up to me. But in this particular scenario, I’m only 50% in control. I’m all-in, but that still only makes 50%. Although it scares the shit out of me, I still am 100% hopeful on this one. Because, it would mean a lot to me. The most anything’s meant to me in a very long time. Perhaps since I was a kid… back when I still hoped for things on a regular basis.
(See, I told you I was dysfunctional).