The young guy came back to class, and you know what? I realized I was being stupid, and just smiled and said “bye” to him today. Fuck it. He can ask me out if he wants to, and I’ll just say no, most likely. But, why not be nice. He’s been nice to me, and I can’t punish someone for that. I also should probably write back the nice kid who emailed me.
I felt like I’d be leading them on, but whatever. I don’t know. I’ll cross that road when I get to it, (or insert whatever-fucking-cliche-you-feel-should-go-here, here).
I don’t know what to do. I am doubting FSHN – dietetics lately. Why? Because I hate biology. BUT, I intend to take FSHN 181/L this summer, and FSHN 185 in the fall, to see how I feel about it. Just in case, I started looking at the UH Catalog this evening, along with other degree programs to see if anything else piqued my interest. An English MA in Creative writing does kind of appeal to me, but I just don’t know if I have the talent for writing anymore. I feel like it died in the Army, you know? Along with my ability to read. My reading comprehension and writing definitely took a hit after all the brainwashing. I’ll say it. Yes – they fucking brainwashed us. It was pretty fucked up. I can see why it was necessary, however, when attempting to train people to die for their country, and all that. My ability to think clearly has never been the same. Only recently do I feel like I could pick up a guitar again.
Stu suggested some angsty music for me since I’ve been angsty lately. (Wanting cigarettes, wanting alcohol, thinking about the fact I got my virgin license back). I realized (thanks to Rich) I can’t smoke since I’m on the pill. Damn my biology! I have endometriosis and have to stay on b.c. And, the way smoking and b.c. works, you have a much higher risk of stroke if you smoke and take the pill, so I guess I won’t be smoking. Damnit. I want to though. So bad. I stared at the American Spirits today in Safeway. You know they have a new one in a black package I’d never seen before, called “Perique Heritage” (pronounced pa-rek), and I was curious; (OH, so FUCKING curious about it).
But yeah. I asked Stu for a recommendation on a good Velvet Underground album, and he told me “Loaded” so that’s what I listened to a couple of times today. I especially liked the tracks, “Who Loves the Sun” and “I Found a Reason.” These two in particular caught my attention the most. I told Stu it felt like “new angst” and “old angst” respectively. That “Who Loves the Sun” felt more like someone newly jaded, and “I Found a Reason” sounds more like someone in acceptance of their angst. Err.. I need to listen to it all again, however. Just my first thought. So, I’m becoming a fan. Why didn’t I check them out earlier? This is all making me want to play guitar again. I feel like it’s junior year at MHS, and I’m into dudes who play guitar, and wishing to just do something with my life… but not sure what. Too bad I’m like, old and shit. Fucking Fuck. I need… something.