Woke up, heart pounding, head reeling, short, rapid breaths… filled with doubt, worried, and anxious. I resisted the temptation to phone a friend since it was 6 AM in the fucking morning, and I can’t be bothering people every time I have a fucking midlife crisis. The prevailing thought on my mind — my first conscious thought this morning: Can I do this?!?!
Am I smart enough? Will I make it? For a split second, I wanted to give up on school entirely. I think this is the fourth time this semester where I’ve said I’m having a midlife crisis. I suppose at age 38, any crisis could technically be a midlife crisis though. (Goddammit)!
It’s been… without a doubt, amazing, to look at the world differently via some science knowledge that your average high schooler can probably also say they’ve experienced. But I didn’t pay attention to science or math until now. It’s been really interesting so far. While I wish I’d given a damn in the past, and not been a borderline alcoholic in my early twenties, maybe things happen for a reason?
The grades for our class are up. The two highest grades belong to myself, and the other person who also was a dietetics major, respectively. I’ve since changed my mind about dietetics based on my disinterest in biology, but hey – go dietetics?! It was predicted we’d suffer and do miserably, but, I think our Chemistry Professor might have been joking. I remember on the first day being motivated to ace the class once he’d said that. (I remember getting this weird glint in my eye and thinking: I accept your challenge)! But not really believing I could pass with more than a “C”.
I hope I can hold on to first with this third exam coming up on Friday, and then the final exam… I’ll miss Chemistry 161 when it’s over. Hopefully I do well in 162. I have a high B, but I want that A.
I vaguely remember going to school hung over in my early twenties… thinking the chemistry teacher was pretty cool/funny, and then giving up on anything that required me to open a book and do homework. I think I was even drunk in class (or felt like it) a couple times since I went straight from an allnighter, still had alcohol in my system, was dehydrated and sleep-deprived, and started feeling light-headed and drunk again. My father had just died and I guess that was my way of forgetting things I didn’t want to remember. I was drunk at least 4 out of 7 nights a week. While I’d never want to relive that era of my life again, I do believe things happen for a reason, and my current, odd sense of responsibility and anxiety has arisen from being such an ass-hat in my early days.