It’s coming up on the end of the first month of school, and also… it’s my birthday today. :)

I’m 38-years old, and happy about it. I was told the other day, that I wouldn’t be happy once I hit 40, by a man in his late forties. But, I’m optimistic that won’t be the case. Through the years, I’ve felt comfortable as I age. I guess you could say my twenties and early thirties were kinda bad in some ways. Stressful. Filled with a lot of fear and pain over the poor health of my father, and my mother. For the first time in my life, I’m on my own. I don’t have a husband, or a boyfriend.. and the two people I lived my entire life for, are gone.

I miss my parents. I’m pretty sure 2010 was a hazy blur for me, since the main thing I remember is mom dying, and then the pressure to find a new place to live. I’m alone a lot these days, but I don’t mind it so much. There’s something I kind of like about it, in a weird way. I do have my sister and my niece and brother-in-law. I also have some good friends… and none of these people are too demanding on me, which is nice. In the case of my parents, it was a feeling self-imposed. I wanted to please them, and do the things that would make them happy. I often failed at it, but there was a feeling that I wasn’t doing OK if they weren’t happy with me.

In the end, I think my mom was cool with how I turned out as a person. She said she wished she could see how I was gonna end up. She knew her time was short, and she wouldn’t get to meet my future (if any) husband.. or see if I would have any kids. It was bittersweet for me to know she wouldn’t be there, but that she was overall happy with me. Man. I miss her. Dad too.

After seeing my sister get married and have a baby, mom felt happy for my her. She’d kinda nudged me to get a man and settle down, but I’d told her I just hadn’t met the right one yet. She seemed to understand. My main beef while she was still alive, was how much I hated working in IT and she’d told me in the end… “You gotta be happy.”

In December I’ll re-assess my situation and determine whether or not to continue with my pursuit of a 2nd bachelor’s degree. No matter what, I don’t see this as lost time. I’ve been learning math and chemistry, and biology. I already feel like I see things around me a little differently, so it has been, and will be worth it, even if I give up.

That ball I got invited to, is happening soon… the guy who asked me is pretty cute, but young. It’s been cool seeing him around in class, and knowing he’s excited about going. I’m a little more apprehensive. I don’t know how to do my hair, makeup, etc. I have a family friend doing it for me for free.. and I feel self-conscious about the dress I bought and how I’ll look in it. I suck at all this being-a-lady stuff. But, I’m really trying to see only positives here. lol! I wasn’t a prom person when I was in high school, and this feels like some kind of grown-up prom. Hopefully, it’s cool though. It’d be pretty awesome if I saw some of the guys from my old guard unit there. And again, I was trying to do something nice, so let’s hope there are only rewards for such a thing.

Yes, I’m probably damaged goods, because I’m 38 years-old, and I have never been married, and have no kids. But for the first time, I can honestly say: I’m dysfunctional, but happy. :)