Work and the Pursuit Thereof

Merge (130/365)

I haven’t worked since December 2012. I quit my career in IT, and went back to school for the first time in 8 years. Since I was 16 years old, I’ve always worked… sometimes three jobs at the same time, so it was a nice break from the workforce. Compared to work, school is easy.

I contemplated applying for a position on campus during the semester, but with two labs, and three lectures, it was hard to find time to commit to an on-campus job. I really hope to get a job or two over the summer so I can make some money, and also so I’m not sitting around the apartment all day. My course load will be a lot lighter in the fall 2013 semester as well, so I’d like to have an on campus gig if at all possible.

I put in an application over the weekend with one of the offices at LCC, and am hoping to hear back. It’s a student position for a technician III, and sounds like an interesting job. I also just put in an online application to work part-time at the Barnes & Noble in Ala Moana, and am hoping to hear back from them. Two jobs, mon! Yeah. It’d be great to have both jobs through college if possible.

Wish me luck!

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My 2nd Cortisone

Today, I visited the same orthopedic surgeon/physician that administered my first cortisone shot back in January.

I had been doing pretty well during the semester without wearing the splint for my thumb, and didn’t really have any problems until recently, when I began to notice an ache in the base of my thumb joint returning. It felt more like muscle DOMS, but then recently, after playing with my molecule kit for over an hour, I started to experience more pain, and some stiffness in my wrist. I started wearing the splint again out of fear, and made the appointment for today.

I was sure he’d recommend the surgery again, but this time he said he felt I was a bit young to get a procedure like that. He felt like the cortisone shot lasted for a while, so if I wanted to, I could get another shot, and see how it goes. He said if the length of time starts to lessen between relief and needing more shots, then we should look at surgical options. I was relieved, in all honesty. After spending the morning googling thumb surgery and seeing photos and videos, I was freaked-out.

So, he also recommended I try to wear the splint more as a reminder not to move my thumb in ways that would aggravate it. Kinda weird to have to wear a splint all the time. I’d probably only wear it when I thought I’d be doing weird things with it, or when it won’t get in the way… and will definitely wear it nights while sleeping (if I can remember)!

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What to do when you Don’t know what to do

Sitting in my car, watching rain, thinking bout life (103/365)
Just, you know… sitting in my car, in the rain, outside my sister’s house like some kind of stalker.

I haven’t figured out the answers to life. I will never reach that moment of zen, (I’m quite positive), which I’d been hoping for.

If the answers suddenly become all-too-clear to me, chances are I’m definitely high.

I live in the now, because it’s all that’s attainable. Some moments, right before wakedness, I like to think that I glimpse the future, (or past) through a distorted lens where there exists a possible alternate reality if different roads had been taken.

Whoa: The phone just started ringing and it’s the nice guy who took me to the ball, but I’m not picking it up. (I suck). Aaaand, he left voicemail. (I’m scared/reluctant… scare-luctant? to listen to it).

But to answer the question: What should someone do, when they don’t know what to do? Just do something. (Provided you aren’t hurting anyone). Make a move. (Even if your move is to no longer make a move). You can pick up the pieces later. I believe firmly in the power of adaptability which has served me thus far. As I age, the one thing I’d like to get better at– is no longer letting my own hangups get in the way of what needs to be done.

I’ve given up on the prospect of any kind of relationship with a member of the opposite sex for the time being. The person I was interested in is unavailable, and probably not attracted to me. I can’t see liking anyone else right away after so long of a hiatus from any kind of emotion other than complacency with the male population in general, so… yeah. I’m making a conscious effort to squelch any kind of longing or hoping I may have had. It feels better; believe it or not. It might not be the happy answer, but it’s some kind of action other than the awkward limbo I’ve been stuck in these past few months.

School first.

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One final down, three to go.

I did my Biology lab final yesterday. It started about 50 minutes late, and I finished by 4:45 PM. I respect Professor Neupane, because I can tell he is a nice / smart man. That biology lab exam was no joke. It was pretty tough, and did not involve just rote memorization, so I liked it… and hope I passed with enough points to score an overall “C” in the class. I think I’m too far away from a “B” to hope for such a thing.

On the lab final, we had to do a series of calculations using the Hardy-Weinberg equilibrium theory, prepare a gram stained slide, identify the gram (positive or negative), identify the kind of bacteria, and give explanations for each observation, in addition to writing out all the steps taken in the gram staining process. We also had to graph absorbance levels in 3 test tubes with a chemical concentration of DCMU (from zero, low, to high), and tell what the slope implied based on his description of what the chemical was doing (sounded to me like it was inhibiting photosynthesis, which would influence what color the final solution was). I can’t give the answers away here, so I’ll just post what I remember. We had to draw 6 cells in various phases of mitosis or meiosis, draw a dihybrid cross punnett square, and a chi-square to test degrees of freedom based on hypothetical results given to us after counting 400+ kernels of corn, with 4 different allele types. We had to observe specimens under a microscope, draw them, indicate their size in ocular units (showing calculations), and I also showed mine in micrometers, and then name the kingdom of the organism. (I’m sure I messed that up since I did not read anything about kingdoms yet). Good test. I was impressed.

I have an online math final due by May 9th. We can take it unlimited times, and I took it once. I was glad to hear the other person in the class who is the top guy, from what I can tell, got about the same score as me his first attempt. The instructor says it usually takes students two or three tries. I’m gonna try again soon. (Today or tomorrow). There’s also an in-class final on Thursday evening. I’ll miss Mr. Seffrood. He was a cool professor. I liked that he gave us the proofs. It was a little odd at first to see it written on the board that way, since my high school math teachers never did that, but when I saw them and thought about them, it helped. He also told little jokes, and put cute pictures on the quizzes and exams, and had the power point clicker game for extra credit which I won a few times, so I had fun in that class.

For Biology, I still have one more final which will probably be a doozy. It takes place immediately following my Chemistry final, on Wednesday morning. So, I have to walk into both tests totally prepared. I am sure I’ll take the entire time in Chemistry to go over my answers, so I can’t see having any cram time whatsoever. The Biology tests are usually intense, so… we’ll see. I can’t say I thoroughly enjoyed the class since I hated the textbook but Neupane was a great lecturer.

Chemistry is oddly, the one I feel the most comfortable with. I think most people in my class feel the opposite. I guess I am getting a high B in the class, and feel like I might be solidly stuck there. He curves his exams, whereas Biology does not. I’d love to get the “A” but am scared to hope for it. At the very least, I am certain I will pass the class, and unless I really mess up, I should get a “B.” I looked over my third exam and know why I got what I got wrong, wrong, so, hopefully that helps me on the final to slow down and read the questions carefully, and not take them for granted. I blasted through the multiple choice, not paying attention and made some stupid mistakes on exam 3. I could have had an “A” if I’d taken more time to think about what was being asked. Reese makes good chemistry exams. He’s also a smart / nice instructor. His lectures were usually pretty funny along with being informative, which was a big plus. He also tried very hard to encourage better study skills in the students, and also encouraged us to get to know other people in the class. I enjoyed talking with him about random topics when I’d run into him on his smoke breaks. Really cool person, overall. He works incredibly hard inside and outside of class for the students. Very inspiring.

Overall, I’m at the end of my first semester, and feeling really unsure of my future, but all my instructors were pretty awesome this semester, so I can’t complain about that. I enjoyed classes overall. Even Biology. lol!

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4th Midlife Crisis, Comin’ Atcha!

Woke up, heart pounding, head reeling, short, rapid breaths… filled with doubt, worried, and anxious. I resisted the temptation to phone a friend since it was 6 AM in the fucking morning, and I can’t be bothering people every time I have a fucking midlife crisis. The prevailing thought on my mind — my first conscious thought this morning: Can I do this?!?!

Am I smart enough? Will I make it? For a split second, I wanted to give up on school entirely. I think this is the fourth time this semester where I’ve said I’m having a midlife crisis. I suppose at age 38, any crisis could technically be a midlife crisis though. (Goddammit)!

It’s been… without a doubt, amazing, to look at the world differently via some science knowledge that your average high schooler can probably also say they’ve experienced. But I didn’t pay attention to science or math until now. It’s been really interesting so far. While I wish I’d given a damn in the past, and not been a borderline alcoholic in my early twenties, maybe things happen for a reason?

The grades for our class are up. The two highest grades belong to myself, and the other person who also was a dietetics major, respectively. I’ve since changed my mind about dietetics based on my disinterest in biology, but hey – go dietetics?! It was predicted we’d suffer and do miserably, but, I think our Chemistry Professor might have been joking. I remember on the first day being motivated to ace the class once he’d said that. (I remember getting this weird glint in my eye and thinking: I accept your challenge)! But not really believing I could pass with more than a “C”.

I hope I can hold on to first with this third exam coming up on Friday, and then the final exam… I’ll miss Chemistry 161 when it’s over. Hopefully I do well in 162. I have a high B, but I want that A.

I vaguely remember going to school hung over in my early twenties… thinking the chemistry teacher was pretty cool/funny, and then giving up on anything that required me to open a book and do homework. I think I was even drunk in class (or felt like it) a couple times since I went straight from an allnighter, still had alcohol in my system, was dehydrated and sleep-deprived, and started feeling light-headed and drunk again. My father had just died and I guess that was my way of forgetting things I didn’t want to remember. I was drunk at least 4 out of 7 nights a week. While I’d never want to relive that era of my life again, I do believe things happen for a reason, and my current, odd sense of responsibility and anxiety has arisen from being such an ass-hat in my early days.

Ah, youth.

So Long, CHEM 161 Lab: (111/365)
If you’re interested, click for an explanation of what this is.

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Obligatory blah

Serendipitous (100/365)

Keeping things up-to-date, I’ll give a basic update. The semester is coming to a close. The final day of instruction, is May 1st. Our last Chemistry lab is next Monday (4/22) and our final Biology lab is May 1st (Of course it is. Of course, Biology would make us go to the very end). Damn Biology!!!!

Things happening now:
1) I am no longer trying to become a registered dietitian, 2) I don’t even have the capacity to care for a cat, 3) I want to play guitar, but this time, not solely so I can meet cute guys who also play guitar, and 4) I am still dysfunctional and if I died crossing the street some time in the near future, it’d suck, but I’d be for-the-mostpart, OK with it. However, 5) If I was to die, I’d wish for a productive death. Like, I get hit, but then they cure cancer or something. I don’t know. I’m stupid and trying to wrap this up so I can go shopping with Rich.

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The Importance of Being Coordinated and Stuff

The Hawaii Convention Center (96/365)
The Hawaii Convention Center: The view going down the escalators this afternoon, on my way home

Today, I assisted with some volunteer work for the Hawaii State Science and Engineering Fair. There were some pretty nice people there, and they fed me a Mediterranean wrap with hummus and veggies in it, along with sun chips (kinda a weakness of mine), an apple, and a mint, and a box of tiny cookies and a diet coke. Not bad.

Primarily, I worked on a project involving signage that would be placed at the ends of each row of science exhibits. It ended up taking me a while, but thankfully, I think it turned out OK. Hopefully, there aren’t any errors on there, because I’m pretty sure the judges and / or participants will be the people to notice, and that would be understandably irritating to them. I tried to make sure all categories and exhibits against the wall were addressed, so let’s hope it turned out well.

We also worked with judges’ packets. We were assisting my chemistry prof. today. He coordinates the judging portion of the science fair, and from what I can tell, it is a large group effort for many people, involving a lot of coordination. It’s cool and interesting to watch. Some people were nicer than others, and overall, it was pretty fine. I like events planning. I had considered applying for a position at the Waikiki Aquarium when I was trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. The position called for someone who would do a lot of PR and membership drives / events planning. It looked like a contract position which had to be renewed yearly. I really considered it, but ended up deciding on going back to school. I wonder sometimes whether or not it was a smart decision to go back. I get stressed and discouraged every so often. I could be making money instead of just spending it if I didn’t go back to school, but what kind of life would I have? I’d still be miserable and working in IT.

Lately, my latest frustration comes with the realization that I hate biology. I hate anything that requires rote memorization. I know you will apply the knowledge later, but the thing I like about chemistry, and math, is the problem-solving. Biology, so far, is the ability to memorize and regurgitate information. The text book makes me bored to no end. I can’t see how I can possibly make it through physiology and FSHN 185 next semester, but I just registered for it. I’m going to drop the summer FSHN 181 class since it’s costing me $1500, and I can take it next summer and still be on track. I just am not sure anymore that I want this dietetics degree. It’s good to question now. In December, I’ll have to see how FSHN and PHYL went and make a determination. Getting a master’s degree in a science, would take about as long as getting the dietetics degree and license since I have to do an internship. It might even be cheaper to get a MS, since I can be a TA.

Stuff to think about, for sure.

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Getting Over Myself (a.k.a. The Post Where I Say “Fuck” a Lot)

Lighthouse
Motion blur lighthouse pic. Such fucking pretentious bullshit, right? Yeah. Fuck me.

The young guy came back to class, and you know what? I realized I was being stupid, and just smiled and said “bye” to him today. Fuck it. He can ask me out if he wants to, and I’ll just say no, most likely. But, why not be nice. He’s been nice to me, and I can’t punish someone for that. I also should probably write back the nice kid who emailed me.

I felt like I’d be leading them on, but whatever. I don’t know. I’ll cross that road when I get to it, (or insert whatever-fucking-cliche-you-feel-should-go-here, here).

I don’t know what to do. I am doubting FSHN – dietetics lately. Why? Because I hate biology. BUT, I intend to take FSHN 181/L this summer, and FSHN 185 in the fall, to see how I feel about it. Just in case, I started looking at the UH Catalog this evening, along with other degree programs to see if anything else piqued my interest. An English MA in Creative writing does kind of appeal to me, but I just don’t know if I have the talent for writing anymore. I feel like it died in the Army, you know? Along with my ability to read. My reading comprehension and writing definitely took a hit after all the brainwashing. I’ll say it. Yes – they fucking brainwashed us. It was pretty fucked up. I can see why it was necessary, however, when attempting to train people to die for their country, and all that. My ability to think clearly has never been the same. Only recently do I feel like I could pick up a guitar again.

Stu suggested some angsty music for me since I’ve been angsty lately. (Wanting cigarettes, wanting alcohol, thinking about the fact I got my virgin license back). I realized (thanks to Rich) I can’t smoke since I’m on the pill. Damn my biology! I have endometriosis and have to stay on b.c. And, the way smoking and b.c. works, you have a much higher risk of stroke if you smoke and take the pill, so I guess I won’t be smoking. Damnit. I want to though. So bad. I stared at the American Spirits today in Safeway. You know they have a new one in a black package I’d never seen before, called “Perique Heritage” (pronounced pa-rek), and I was curious; (OH, so FUCKING curious about it).

But yeah. I asked Stu for a recommendation on a good Velvet Underground album, and he told me “Loaded” so that’s what I listened to a couple of times today. I especially liked the tracks, “Who Loves the Sun” and “I Found a Reason.” These two in particular caught my attention the most. I told Stu it felt like “new angst” and “old angst” respectively. That “Who Loves the Sun” felt more like someone newly jaded, and “I Found a Reason” sounds more like someone in acceptance of their angst. Err.. I need to listen to it all again, however. Just my first thought. So, I’m becoming a fan. Why didn’t I check them out earlier? This is all making me want to play guitar again. I feel like it’s junior year at MHS, and I’m into dudes who play guitar, and wishing to just do something with my life… but not sure what. Too bad I’m like, old and shit. Fucking Fuck. I need… something.

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Old Person Spring Break 2013

So, spring break 2013 is pretty much done for. In less than two hours, it will be Sunday, and then back to school on Monday.

I got hit on via email (I think) by another student. I did not reply. I stressed out about it, but am determined not to let this bother me. Hopefully the semester will be over before I know it and it won’t be an issue.

One big surprise to people who know me, will be the knowledge that I gave my cat, Squirrel, away today. But she is in a better place. My sister’s family has taken her on. When I first adopted her, I was working full-time and never would have dreamed I’d be heading back to school. It became apparent that Squirrel was having some anxiety with me being away for prolonged hours during the semester this year. It also became difficult to keep up with her general care. So, I’m thankful she’s with three people now, who will have more time to lavish affection on her, and I’ll still get to see her. :) I’m happy for her because I think she’ll enjoy her life more in the big house with the family.

On a weird note, tonight will be my first night in the apartment without Squirrel. I’ve owned her since moving in. I didn’t think I’d feel it, but I do sense an emptiness in my apartment. Her little lifeforce is definitely missing. I look to where her cat tree used to be next to my bed, and my room seems so empty now.

Here are a list of things accomplished / not accomplished during the break:

Accomplished:
Taxes submitted to accountant for processing
General Spring Cleaning
Donated a bunch of stuff to Helping Hands Hawaii
Laundry
Dishes
Got my hair cut/retouched by Trisha
Workouts
Drove out to Kaena Point and took some photos
Biology Homework all done for now
Lunch with treesie
Dinner with friends :)

Not Accomplished:
Spring cleaning not complete
Did not do additional workouts
Diet not followed
Chemistry homework untouched so far

I am still a maroon. I procrastinated / continued to do stupid things. Someday, maybe, I’ll be able to say I no longer do stupid things. I have to believe this. I just have to.

As an update: I went to visit my parents’ niche today (Easter Sunday). Mom’s birthday is next week Saturday. I’ll probably visit again. I missed dad’s birthday since I had an exam on that same day. It was the first time in 15 years since his passing that I forgot to go either a little before, or on the day itself. Sorry, Dad.

Sleep (87/365)

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A Pat on the Back for Me?

I’m not gonna be doing the same shit I did in the past anymore. I’m not gonna do things I’m not comfortable doing.

On my walk today (84/365)
Random city shot – Honolulu, HI.

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